“Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward.”
— Surah At-Taghabun, 64:15

One of the most common things I hear from parents is this:

• “I feel like I don’t even recognise my son anymore.”

• “Where’s the little girl who used to run into my arms?”

These aren’t just passing complaints — they’re grief wrapped in confusion.

But here’s the truth: your child isn’t gone.
They’re growing.

And as they grow — physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually — our parenting needs to grow too.

We can’t parent a teenager the way we parented a 7-year-old. That season is over. We’re no longer just caregivers or rule-setters. Now, we must shift into being coaches, mentors, and spiritual anchors.

Your Parenting Role is Shifting: From Command & Control to Coaching & Mentoring

In the early years, parenting is a lot like being an operations manager — handling logistics, enforcing bedtime, making sure the lunchbox comes home.

But once they hit their teens?

That won’t cut it anymore.

You’re not the Operations Manager now.
You’re the Coach. The Mentor. The Guide.

They don’t need a micromanager — they need someone who believes in them, even when they don’t fully believe in themselves.

Four Anchors for Spiritually Grounded Teen Parenting

1. Purposeful Life: Help Them Find Their ‘Why’

As Muslims, we know our ultimate purpose: to worship Allah SWT.

But how that unfolds — the 'how' of our worship — that’s where the journey begins.

Your teenager is asking big questions:

• “What am I good at?”

• “Why do I even exist?”

• “What’s the point of all this?”

Rather than giving all the answers, sit beside them and explore the questions together. Help them discover the gifts Allah has placed within them — and how to use those gifts for a purposeful life that leads to His Pleasure.

Your job is to help them connect the dots between their talents and their taqwa, their relationship with Allah.

Walk with them. Be curious. Be patient. Don’t project your path onto them — walk with them as they discover theirs.

2. Character First: Akhlaq is the Foundation

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“I was only sent to perfect good character.”
— al-Muwatta, 1614

This isn’t just a beautiful hadith — it’s a foundational mission statement of our faith.
Our Prophet ﷺ, whose revelation came with laws, theology, and societal transformation — could have summarised his purpose in many ways. But he chose character. That’s no small thing.

In an age where young Muslims are navigating identity, belonging, and value in an increasingly individualistic world, this hadith reminds us: our worth in the eyes of Allah is not just in what we know — but in how we show up.

Your teenager may learn fiqh and memorise ayat — but if their heart becomes hardened, arrogant, harsh, or selfish in how they carry Islam, the light of the deen may not shine through them the way it’s meant to.

So in our homes, youth groups, and masajid — akhlaq must be the foundation, not an afterthought.

Here are five practical ways to build it intentionally:

1. Start Early — But It’s Never Too Late

Start before they even know what “character” means. Teach “please” and “thank you” as acts of gratitude to Allah, not just good manners. But if they’re already teenagers — it’s not too late. They are still shaping who they are. Keep showing up with consistency.

2. Use Seerah and Hadith — Make It Real

Don't just say “be kind.” Show them how the Prophet ﷺ showed kindness to children, non-Muslims, even his enemies. Use relatable, emotionally powerful moments from his life. When they see that their role model wasn’t just righteous, but radically merciful, it hits different.

3. Guide Their Friendships

Your child’s closest friends are not just companions — they’re mirrors. Help them choose friends who uplift, remind, and reflect values. This doesn’t mean micromanaging or policing, but coaching them on recognising red flags and what healthy, faith-aligned friendship looks like.

The Prophet ﷺ said: “A person is upon the religion of his close friend...” — Abu Dawood

4. Connect Them With Mentors — Beyond You

Teens often need voices beyond Mum or Dad. Seek out teachers, coaches, older cousins, community uncles or aunties — those who carry wisdom and care. People who can remind them of their potential, call them out when needed, and reflect prophetic character in how they live.

This especially matters for sons needing male role models and daughters needing emotionally safe male figures who show respect and gentleness.

5. Live What You Preach

You can’t expect them to speak respectfully if your words are always sharp. You can’t expect them to stay calm if you explode under pressure. Your child is watching how you handle stress, disagreement, forgiveness, and honesty.

Your emotional habits become their emotional inheritance.

So yes — yell less, apologise more, show restraint, admit when you're wrong. That is Islamic parenting.

Character isn't taught through lectures. It's caught through observation.
And in a world pulling our children in a thousand directions, your consistent adab will be the spiritual compass they carry with them — even when you're not there.

3. Courageous Conversations: Don’t Be Scared to Go There

Teenagers are dealing with a lot.

They’re forming identity, challenging norms, exploring ideas, questioning faith, feeling emotions they can’t always name.

So here’s the deal: if we don’t have the hard conversations with them… someone else will.

Talk to them about:

• Identity confusion

• Drugs, pornography, relationships

• Social media, body image, mental health

• Atheism, liberalism, hedonism

You don’t need to have all the answers. What they need is a space where they can bring their questions without fear of being shamed.

Be the safe place they can return to — not the judge they hide from.

4. Emotionally Grounded: Discipline with Dignity

Teenagers will push your buttons. They’ll test limits. They’ll sometimes act like they don’t care — even though they care deeply.

Your job isn’t to be a perfect parent — your job is to be a consistent, emotionally grounded one.

Yes, you will lose your cool sometimes. But repair the rupture. Say sorry. Model emotional intelligence. Show them that anger isn’t the default response.

If you find yourself constantly yelling, raging, or shutting down emotionally — get support. Coaching, therapy, Islamic counselling — whatever helps you become the parent they need you to be.

But They Still Need You — Just Differently

A lot of parents reduce their presence when their kids hit high school.

No more bedtime routines. No more after-school debriefs. No more daily check-ins.

But here’s the thing: just because they’re not asking for your presence doesn’t mean they don’t need it.

They still need you — to see them, to hear them, to make time for them.

Teenagers are not mini adults. They’re not younger kids either.
They’re in the in-between — and that’s where your presence matters most.

Quick Reflection for Parents:

Have you found yourself saying:

• “They’re wasting their potential...”

• “Why are they acting out?”

• “They don’t listen to me anymore…”

Pause. Ask yourself:

• Have I shifted with them?

• Am I still parenting my 15-year-old like they’re 10?

• Do I want control — or do I want connection?

You can’t control your teenager. But you can influence them — deeply — through love, consistency, boundaries, presence, and tawakkul.

One Common Pain Point to Watch For

In my work with Muslim youth, one thing that constantly comes up is this:

“I want to pursue something different… but I’m scared of disappointing my parents.”

That pain of misalignment between your dreams and your child’s purpose can hurt both ways.

It doesn’t mean you throw out all expectations. But it does mean you need a new kind of conversation — one rooted in trust, not imposition.

Challenge them to grow. But don’t live your unfulfilled dreams through them.

Final Word: Parenting Teenagers Is a Test of Your Leadership

Parenting teens is not about having control — it’s about cultivating influence.

You’re raising future adults — ones who will, inshaAllah, carry Islam into their homes, workplaces, communities.

So give them the tools, the values, the mentorship they need.

And just as importantly — give them you.

Be their soft landing.
Be their spiritual mirror.
Be their du'a in motion.

Because in the end, we’re not raising kids.
We’re raising ummah.

With duas and support,
Sidqie